As the sound of the whistle blasts call revielle I sit doing maitenance during a five hour watch in the middle of the night, day 144 rolls in. I've been on deployment since August 7th, 2009 and I've had more experiences and have travled to more places than I ever thought I would. Yet I remain unhappy. I hate the Navy lifestyle. I'm tired of doing the same thing day after day. I find myself with wandering thoughts of what it would be like to fuck the guy who works out every day. I'm "dating" the bad-ass. He says he loves me. I don't know if I should believe it or not. We haven't even had time to be together on LAND yet! The only person he knows is in the stories I tell. My stories are bountiful but how much can you really know about a person from the stories he/ she tells about themselves? How much do I really know about him? I know little things. I know that every girlfriend he has ever had has cheated on him. I don't want to keep up that trend but I find myself looking and even talking to other men about sex. That's just who I am. The woman I am does not do well in relationships. I am never satisfied for more than a few months. He's a great guy, Shawne, probably perfect for me, but I'm still not satisfied. First comes the picking and poking and LOOKING for something wrong. OH how I HATE he smoking. It's DISGUSTING! I wish more than anything that he would quit. It's hard to really motivate someone to quit when you're not even supposed to be dating considering you're "on a warship". You can't touch the person when you want to. When that is ALL you want to do is be able to just reach out and get a little contact. Just a passing kiss. I have no idea how I'm going to survive the rest of this.
I don't honestly expect anyone to read this. I just need to get this off my chest and God knows you can't tell anyone here anything without the whole population knowing.
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