In the mail I've gotten the clothes I want to wear when I get home to Hawaii. I even bought dresses. Now that's not like me. Ok, the buying part IS like me, now let's see if I wear them. I need a man that wants to take me some place nice first though. Man #1 says he doesn't dress up, Man #2 is already making plans to take me to Ruth's Chris among other places including a weekend in Maui. What is a girl supposed to do? On one hand Man #1 makes me smile and laugh and I just can't be mad at him even though I swear he tries to piss me off by some of the things he says. And Man #2 is just the sweetest thing. He doesn't say the playful but hurtful things that Man #1 says.
Maybe when we get home I'll tell them both to screw off and get on alone. However I'd still have to work with them.
Oh how do I get myself into these stupid things? This really is the story of my life.

He got mad at me today when topic of lunch conversation hit "Have you ever had sex with two dudes at once?" Of course I replied with the truth, "Yea, been there done that."
Man #1 has the NERVE to get pissy. Why? Because you have NO room to talk. He did send an email saying he didn't really mean it. He was only joking. I think I struck a nerve. That could be a good things or a bad thing. If he strikes too many of mine I won't be able to take it.

The First Night

I spend my days doing the same old shit. I watched Californication Season Two all evening. I spent my afternoon asleep on the couch in berthing. Wow, what a day. I ate lunch and dinner with my boyfriend who drives me crazy. He gets pissy with me when I talk about my sexual past and yet he can freely talk about the hooker he fucked in Singapore? Fuck that. I know he's "kidding" but sometimes he really needs to think before he speaks. He likes to get under my skin just to do it. Somehow he can always make me smile. I am genuinely happier now than I ever have been. I don't cry almost ever. It's good for me.
I got the first email from a friend back home today. 144 days of deployment and I get my FIRST email from a 'friend' back home. How do I even consider these people friends anymore? I get more emails from exboyfriends and flings and fucks than I have from my friends! I don't know if I'm really ready for a relationship. I like to have fun. To do what I wish. We'll see how things happen when we get back home. I have a great guy. He's amazing. He makes me happy when I don't even WANT to be happy. Then there's the infamous other man. He's got a smokin' hot body! He's kind of... dumb, though. Which is sad. Why can't the pretty ones be smart too? Shawne's pretty. And smart.

He's perfect for me and I still can't just be fucking HAPPY!?

Day One / 144

As the sound of the whistle blasts call revielle I sit doing maitenance during a five hour watch in the middle of the night, day 144 rolls in. I've been on deployment since August 7th, 2009 and I've had more experiences and have travled to more places than I ever thought I would. Yet I remain unhappy. I hate the Navy lifestyle. I'm tired of doing the same thing day after day. I find myself with wandering thoughts of what it would be like to fuck the guy who works out every day. I'm "dating" the bad-ass. He says he loves me. I don't know if I should believe it or not. We haven't even had time to be together on LAND yet! The only person he knows is in the stories I tell. My stories are bountiful but how much can you really know about a person from the stories he/ she tells about themselves? How much do I really know about him? I know little things. I know that every girlfriend he has ever had has cheated on him. I don't want to keep up that trend but I find myself looking and even talking to other men about sex. That's just who I am. The woman I am does not do well in relationships. I am never satisfied for more than a few months. He's a great guy, Shawne, probably perfect for me, but I'm still not satisfied. First comes the picking and poking and LOOKING for something wrong. OH how I HATE he smoking. It's DISGUSTING! I wish more than anything that he would quit. It's hard to really motivate someone to quit when you're not even supposed to be dating considering you're "on a warship". You can't touch the person when you want to. When that is ALL you want to do is be able to just reach out and get a little contact. Just a passing kiss. I have no idea how I'm going to survive the rest of this.

I don't honestly expect anyone to read this. I just need to get this off my chest and God knows you can't tell anyone here anything without the whole population knowing.